4) Captain America’s TV Motorcycle
Captain America drives a motorcycle in almost all his incarnations… except the 1979 and ’80 TV movies starring Reb Brown, in which he drove a small Honda dirtbike with cardboard taped to it. Bonus points for using his shield as a mostly opaque windshield, though.
5) Night Star Batmobile
This neon-green vehicle from Batman’s Knight Force Ninjas line revealed that in 1998, Hasbro had no fucking clue about what ninjas or Batman would deem acceptable car detailing. Well, that, or else Grant Morrison was overseeing the line. Maybe this is the Batmobile of Zur-En-Arrh.
6) Any ATV
Virtually every major Marvel superhero has had a toy of himself hunched over an ATV, and even some of the villains (as the ridiculous picture above proves). Maybe Captain America might need one in a pinch, but Spider-Man? The Hulk? Iron Man? There is no need for any of these guys to ever get on an ATV, unless they are lost in the woods and drunk, simutaneously.
7) Green Arrow’s Arrowcar
When Green Arrow was introduced in the 1940s, he was a complete Batman rip-off, so while Batman had the Batmobile, Green Arrow had his “Arrowcar.” But while Batman went out of his way to make his vehicles bat-themed (or at least black), Green Arrow’s car was just a fucking car. There wasn’t even an arrow decal on it. Hell, it wasn’t even green. Look, I can go around and call my 2007 Nissan Sentra the Bricken-mobile, but I’d look like an asshole, too.
8) Violator’s Chopper, Spawn
There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with Violator’s motorcycle; he’s a demon, so he probably needs some kind of terrestrial transportation, and he’s a demon from hell, so it stands to reason that his vehicle would look like it came off the cover of a mediocre ‘80s metal album. No, the problem is that 60% of Violator’s mass is his giant head, which makes his spindly body look completely ridiculous on a motorcycle, nullifying all his demonic intimidation. It just goes to prove the old adage, “Never ride anything that is less than four times the size of your skull.”
9) Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
Comics and movies alike seldom know how to handle Wonder Woman, and I think her Invisible Jet is a large part of that. She’s an Amazon? Got it. She can deflect bullets with bracelets? Sure, no problem. She has a magic lasso that makes people tell her the truth? Okay, that’s weird, but I’ll roll with it. She has an invisible jet that leaves her completely visible so she appears to be soaring through the air in a sitting position? Well, that’s really fucking dumb. Why do Amazons have this jet? Why does it leave the people inside visible? Can’t Wonder Woman fly on her own anyways? (She usually can.) How the hell does she remember where she parked it? The New 52-niverse has given the Invisible Jet to Steve Trevor and the A.R.G.U.S. agency as an experimental vehicle for the Justice League of America, and it’s one of the smartest changes DC made.
10) Legends of Batman Skybat
This is what it looks like Batman tries way too fucking hard.
11) Superman’s Supermobile
Shockingly, the Supermobile also has a pretty sensible origin. When the sun does some red solar radiation thingie and Superman loses his powers, he gets in the Supermobile — which effectively has all the same abilities he does — to fight bad guys until the sun clears up and he gets his powers back. Smart idea, right — so what’s the problem? There are two: 1) The car has Superman’s invulnerability because it is made out of the element Supermanium, which is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of, and 2) if the Supermobile has all of Superman’s powers, why doesn’t he give it to Batman when he's not using it? Hell, why doesn’t he make one for the entire Justice League? Can you think of the evil that could be avoided if there were a fleet of Supermobiles patrolling the skies?
12) Spider-Man Battle Action Car with Spider Legs
So take all the sensibilities of the Spider-Mobile and then add six giant fucking spider legs jutting out of the sides. Man, if the limbs themselves wouldn’t knock cars off the road, they’d still cause wrecks as drivers hurled themselves off the street to get away from this monstrosity.
The 15 Most Ludicrous Superhero Vehicles