Chevrolet debuted an ad last week for its mid-size lump of crossover, the Equinox. And it is bad. Really bad. So bad that the only message it manages to get across is that one day, your furry little friend will die, and you'll be there to watch. This is just atrocious.
Let's break this ad down, in as honest a way as possible, for people that can't bear to watch it, because it is that bad. First, let's establish some basic facts. One, in proceeds in reverse chronological order, just like in Memento, a film about a guy that shootsJoey Pants in the head for raping and murdering his wife. So far, we're off to a good start.
- A woman looks at her dog, wistfully, and kind of pets it, while the dog looks at her with kind of a blank stare. Hospital noises are in the background. This dog is probably about to be euthanized. No more dog.
- Euthanasia lady looks at her dog, clearly thinking "something is not right with this dog, it smells funny, time to end its furry little life." The dog still does not care. She pets the dog, MATCH CUT.
- Still petting dog, drinking something (vodka?) out of a mug, while the dog lays there, uncaring.
- Lady in the park with dog, dog eating the leaves that will lead to its eventual demise
- Still walking that dog
- Dog jumps out of car, older people, presumably parents of doglady, who looks judgmentally at her, while she says something along the lines of "it's old, but it's got lots of light," just like her dog, which will be dead
- Parents take picture of doglady, graduating from something, dog still a nihilist
- "I don't understand, did I do something wrong?" doglady asks. "Are you... breaking up with me?" Yes. The answer is yes.
- Doglady on couch, with some dude. Dude goes in for the moves, nihilist dog gets in the way, like a JERK. Now the reason for its nihilism becomes clear.
- Doglady is learning to drive a car. Either she can't drive, or maybe the Chevy Equinox has really crappy, grabby brakes? Since doglady is already established to be morally pure, obviously, the latter is definitely the reason.
- Child, presumably doglady, reading to puppy, about "vanticles." Vanticles are not a real thing.
- Doglady, as child, picking her puppy out of a box. This is how you get all puppies, and not like how I got mine, at the warehouse of Delta Cargo after she got off a plane from Colorado. Breeders, not always located where you need them.
- Aaaaaand back to the execution of the dog, to bring it full circle.
- "A best friend's for life's journey."
- CHEVY.
Ugh, GM, you are the worst. This is so sad. What is the point of this ad? Why hint at the inevitable mortality of the your puppy friend? If you wanted to have a terrible, maudlin ad, you could've just had everything, except for the hospital sounds in the beginning. Those are totally unnecessary. The ad would've still been bad, but at least there's no unnecessary death.
This is how the GM marketing team meeting ostensibly went down:
"Hey, here's a great way to sell the Equinox!"
"Let's remind all the viewers that life is fleeting and everything you love will cease to exist soon!"
What the hell, GM? This is not even a car commercial anymore. It doesn't make you want to buy an Equinox, it just makes you sad that your dog is going to die before you are. And that's it.
Worse, a dog dying is not like a Chevy Equinox. At all. Not even close.
A dog is a good thing. An Equinox is not. It's a bit like a microwave. It is simply an appliance, that has a use, and when it gets too disgusting because some crappy Ragu exploded all over the interior, you throw it out, and you buy another one to which you have no attachment.
Your Equinox dies, well shoot, buy a new one. If your dog dies, of course you're going to buy a new one, but you'll be sad first, and at least its death will be met with some sort of ceremony.
It is literally the worst ad ever. And it comes in the middle of a stream of really bad American car ads. But whatever, if Chrysler makes a crappy ad featuring Bob Dylan that says basically nothing, you can ignore it and forget about it, just like you do with every other ad. But Chevy's in particular have been completely tacky. Remember this guy?
Remember the lady with cancer, at the Super Bowl? Oh, hooray, football, trucks, chicken wings, beer, CANCER. Thanks for raining on my Super Bowl parade, Chevrolet. Yes, cancer is a serious disease that kills millions every year, and we should never forget the horrible things it does to people all across the globe and the misery it wretches across lives. But why must I see it in an ad about a pickup truck?
But whatever, it was World Cancer Day, a made-up but important day to honor those who are struggling.
So back to the doglady ad. It's not even bad for you, the guy who's going to potentially purchase a fine automobile, it's bad on the other end, too. Because who has to actually get out there and sell the Chevy Equinox to you, the consumer, who is all sad now?
No, not Chevrolet. It's the dealers.
Chevrolet, do you really think your dealerships appreciate this ad?
When a potential buyer walks into a car dealership, every single one of the guys in that place is all upbeat. They want the sale. They know you're nervous already about what's going to amount to a pretty big purchase, so they want you to feel good, and they want you to feel good about buying a car.
If you walked in there, spouse, kids, dog in tow, they don't go, "oh, what a wonderful family! What a shame it would be, if something happened to your dog."
No. That is the OPPOSITE of what the dealership wants to happen. They want you to be the happiest sonofabitch in the world about buying that car.
So instead, you're sad, you don't want to buy anything, so you stay home and you stare at your microwave, because that's what the Equinox might as well be.
Oh, and pretty much all the ad tells me is that the Equinox has bad brakes.
This ad is crap.
Mind-Blowingly Terrible Chevy Ad Reminds You Your Dog Will Die